Over

It's been exactly 2 months now since I left my husband. That's it, finished.

It had been coming for a long time, he still doesn't really get that it's over, he thinks "we can learn from this" - yeah, right, WE can learn from his bloody mistakes? I don't think so. The only thing I've learned is I should've left a long time ago! It's pretty much a year and a half since he randomly quit his job and still nothing has changed. More than that though it's his attitude which seriously leaves a lot to be desired. He still doesn't get that this is his doing, it's obviously my fault because I'm so unreasonable... hmmm...

first case study is in now... =/

I handed my case study in today. Finished it at about 11.30 last night. Whoops! So much for being a good student this time around! I don't think it's terrible but it's not fantastic either. Hopefully it's good enough to get a decent pass.

Met Emma for dinner and drinks tonight which was great :)

Now pretty tipsy. But got some good news - first lecture is cancelled at uni tomorrow. Yay! Lie-in! :D

indecisive

I was so sure the other day about what I was going to do. Now? Not so much.

I was going to leave and start over, now I'm still here and unsure again.

I know this kind of thing is never going to be easy, but I'm finding it really hard. I change my mind all the time. It's pissing me off, so I'm sure everyone else is at the end of their tether with me. 

Oh well.

Going to bed, up for work in 5 and a half hours... 

made up my mind

So my birthday's been and (just) gone. I've had way too much red wine, but of course I feel fine now (it's in the morning that I'll feel really rough).

Anyway, I've finally made some decisions about my future and I've realised it doesn't involve Simon. I've had enough, I really have. It won't be easy, because deep down I still love him, but I'm leaving. I have to do this for my own sanity. He's treated me so badly over the past 14 months and I can't take it anymore. I don't like this miserable person I've become. I honestly think that as much as it hurts (and it does, believe me) I have to finally admit that this marriage is over. I've stuck it out long enough, given him more than enough chances to sort himself out, and nothing's changed. I'm totally gutted but I can't live like this anymore, and I refuse to put myself through any more of this shit. Life is for living and since all this happened I haven't lived, I've simply existed. I have lots of good friends and of course my family who will look after me until I get myself sorted out.

I just need to be free now. Free of the hurt, free of the worry, just free...

2008 is nearly over

Almost the end of November - that's come round quickly. I realise I've been even worse at updating this thing than I was before, but I've had a few things on. Uni, for one thing - this damn case study which is due in 2 weeks today. I'm well on my way with it but not quite there yet. Then there's the home situation, which I don't have to tell you is still crap (I would've most likely blogged if there'd been any news) and work of course is keeping me pretty busy too. I'm enjoying work mostly, I have to say. Just as well or I would've gone crazy by now.

Next Monday it's my birthday - 21 again... Okay, so I'll be 25. That's not too bad. When I'm 30 I'll be saying I'm 29 again of course. I doubt that Simon will even remember it's my birthday - I'm deliberately not mentioning it to see what happens. He'll forget, I know. My friends won't forget I'm sure (most of them anyway!). My dad is taking me out for dinner on Sunday (I'm going to his concert in the afternoon first) and then I think I'm going to dinner on Monday with my mum. That's about all I have planned. I don't feel like having a party or a big night out or anything. Sad but true!! At least my birthday happens to be my day off so I'll get to have a lie-in.

I'm finding uni pretty hardcore - sooo much physics! I knew there would be, but I'm still surprised by the amount of information. And scared that I need to know this stuff! The exam isn't for another 8 months so I'm sure by then I'll know what I'm talking about. I hope.

Other than that, right now I'm desperately tempted to book tickets to visit someone I probably shouldn't. I really want to do it though... That's all I can say at the moment. 

There's a new baby in the family :)

On Friday my cousin's baby girl was born. Her name is Amelie, she weighed in at 8 pounds 6 ounces and although I haven't seen any photos yet I'm sure she's totally gorgeous :)

I've just finished crocheting a bear type thing for her - to be honest it's not that impressive but it's the thought that counts! I'm going shopping tomorrow so I'll buy her something as well. 

update

Things that have happened since my last blog post:

• I moved out for 2 weeks and went to stay with my dad. We went to visit my grandma in Belfast for a weekend during that time.

• I came back, hoping things would change. So far, not so much. Am I surprised? Not really.

• I had the first week in September off work as annual leave. Our 2nd wedding anniversary was September 1st. No, we didn't really do much to celebrate, seeing as he's still not earning any money and I didn't much feel like celebrating anyway. We didn't even get each other cards or anything. 

• I started my postgraduate course 2 weeks ago - it will be hard work but I enjoyed my first week. I'm there again in the middle of October for another week.

• I've been back at work a week, I've been having the worst period ever (slight exaggeration perhaps) for a week now and I've got a bad throat too (everyone at work seems to have had the throat thing). Otherwise, things are fine, honest!

• The good thing about all the crap that's been happening is that I've lost some weight. I don't know how much, but enough that quite a few people have noticed - people keep telling me I've lost weight, which is good as far as I'm concerned. I also bought a pair of jeans a size smaller than I usually get, and they fit perfectly, so woo!